the human head weighs eight pounds

i'm drowning
fuck it all
why does no one love me enough?
you hurt me so bad
can i talk myself out of this one?
fuck it all
i can't breathe
my tears drown out all sound
the colors begin to run
i am alone
no one really gives a fuck




there's no love like lost love and no pain like a broken heart
there's no love like you and me and no loss like us apart

PAST
First grade teacher's name: what first grade teacher?
Last word you said: you (as in "i love you!")
Last song you sang: strange fruit- billie holiday
Last song stuck in your head: the only living boy in new york- simon&garfunkel
PRESENT
What's in your CD player: the unicorns- who will cut our hair when we're gone?
What color socks are you wearing: no socks!
What's under your bed: a feather mattress pad, american girl dolls and an LLBean backpack (it's eggplant! and it's monogrammed!)
What's the weather like: chilly and a bit wet
What time did you wake up today: 11:45, but hey, last night was new years eve- i stayed up late!
FUTURE
Who do you want to marry: zach braff
Are you going to college: yesm
Where do you want to go: st johns maybe... brown is awesome (but i would never get in, haha)
What is your career going to be: ...being awesome at something and looking hot in the workplace?
Where are you going to live: where ever i belong
How many kids do you want: between 0-2
Kids' names: marisol, james, isabella... aww i want kids to name them!
Where do you want your honeymoon: costa rica
What kind of car will you have: a hot volvo so my mom doesn't worry about me dying.... but hey, volvos are sexy

your favorite myth: that none of my bras fit... yay for kendall and bra shopping!
your favorite god: um...the hot one.... aphrodite?
your favorite serial killer: the one from law and order?
your favorite body organ: um...yeah stomach
your favorite body part: lips
your favorite author: david sedaris
your favorite obsession: vh1
your favorite number: 6 and 3 and 16
your favorite excuse: but i have no friends!
your favorite emotion: determination
your favorite drink: kaluha and milk
your favorite place: inside miles' red and green blanket
your favorite unattainable object: someone who is there for me no matter what
your favorite regret: i'll start crying, so... i try not to regret
your favorite thing to hate: high schoolers
your favorite paranoia: that no one loves me and that there's something inherently wrong with me
your favorite way to kill yourself: drug overdose
your favorite insecurity: my hips
your new favorite favorite: place
your favorite frustration: how messed up i am

laugh now
you think you've broken me
but i was never assembled in the first place
laugh now
you think you're hurting me
but i've been hurting since the day i was born
laugh now
you think i'll never win
but i've begun to run and you're stuck at the starting line
we'll see who's laughing
when i'm put together
when my pain ends
when i win
and way back in the distance i'll see you and think

"that shadow looks familiar. i wonder why it never began the race."

skies clearing up
storm clouds fight to stay
fight for anything
but it's over
blue skies have won

drink up baby down
are you in or are you out?
leave your things behind
because it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy
you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like...

so let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's alright,
because there's beauty in the breakdown
yeah, let go
just get in
oh it's so amazing here
it's alright,
because there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now,
you can't await your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

so let go
jump in
oh well, what you waiting for?
it's alright,
because there's beauty in the breakdown
yeah, let go
just get in
oh it's so amazing here
it's alright,
because there's beauty in the breakdown

you are not all powerful
you are not the begining or the end
you are not even the middle
you are the pages
before the story even begins

do you remember?
how could you forget?
the world was gorgeous
i finally felt free
and you felt something real
when you had been lost for too long
don't you remember?
how did we lose it?
how could you hurt me?
don't you remember?
you can't forget
why did you hurt me?
you forgot
betrayal was never in question
until you threw it all away
don't

you

remember?
i can never forget

your ears are still closed
your eyes are still closed
my heart is still open
it still absorbs all the pain
don't pretend i didn't pour it out to you
don't pretend you didn't hurt me
and don't pretend i didn't hurt you
i hate lies
i hate my lies
and yet only my lies
save me from banishment

help...
make the darkness fade away
but it only fades to black
and i'm all alone

no one sees me anymore
it's like i'm invisible
all alone with my mind

don't pretend
don't lie

look me straight in the eye
and tell me what it is you have to say






i don't care if it's not what i want to hear

i think i'm good. i'm sending out good vibes to alex wilson. nothing much to say. so many compliments... love you all

i kind of understand those mofos who said "life sucks, then you die" and they say the teenage years are the best ones? screw that with a spear like in lord of the flies. poor pig...



hey sarah... mmmm... bloody pulp of cat....

i'm starting a new chapter of my life...
out with the old, in with the new...
we'll see how this goes

got my dress for homecoming...
it's freaking covered in sequins!!!!!
i'll get shoes from blake after voice lessons
sarah will do my makeup
i'll get a curling iron

god, i'm gonna be a vision of hotness!!!

no JWB molesting though!!!!

...can't be that hot!!!

gosh...
that freaking bastard dosen't deserve me!!!!
he dosen't even deserve me to talk to him.


GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


then why do i still love him so much?



but whatever

i'll still feel good
i'll be fine
i'll be better

just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

How does it feel to treat me like you do
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how do I feel

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel
To treat me like you do?

Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

I see ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how should I feel
Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
While I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
When your heart grows cold

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel
To treat me like you do?

somebody please teach me how to get away from all this pain

today sucked so hard. got up. went to geometry. did vigil for mathew shepard at tutorial. went to choir. saw miles for second at begining of lunch. saw miles at end of lunch going away with krista. horrible history period. bad day came to head with me crying after school while jeremy tried to comfort me while being really way too touchy. he was no boundaries. talked to krista for a half hour. felt a bit better i guess. went to the costume parade. got food. went home. life sucks. people sucks. and now.... i'm over it

vinnie is lost...
my mom can't stop crying...
god damn it
god damn it
god damn it
i fucking still hate people
and i hate that
stop trying to fucking be something to me
have some fucking respect for yourself
for once in your fucking life
look at me
you see the way my stare continues past?
stop trying
stop fooling yourself
fuck off
i hate myself for this






and i won't change

don't call to "chat" after a whole day of talking shit behind my back. fucking tell me anything, maybe even the truth, whoever would have thought of that, but don't tell me you wanted to "chat" well, i know better. get ready for some confrontation

i'm tired. i'm tired of everything. i'm happy... don't get me wrong, i have nothing to complain about. i'm just sick of this day-to-day business. i can't trust anyone or myself. i'm sick of being called a bitch by someone who would never say it to my fucking face. i'm sick of actually being that bitch and not controlling it. i'm sick of all the threats that come from the back of my mind. i joke and joke and laugh along when you tell me it's stupid but you don't fucking realize that i'm scared. you can't see beyond my external attitude and recognize that i'm fucking scared that one day you will all leave me. i don't care if i act all cocky sometimes. you know me well enough. i'm making it clear enough. all i want is reassureance. they're dropping like flies and one by one they're joining the opposition. and they're appearing too, but you can't trust anyone completely and one day everyone could take my secrets and my trust and throw them out the fucking window. no, you don't miss me... not one bit

i'm excited for this weekend dahlings... tomorrow i'll chill with jolie, eat pineapple and bake brownies. saturday ill go to dance then chill with miles, then lucy. sunday i'll go to my darling's house and do homework, yay! anyway mucho tarea to do. school sucks

miles called and asked if i wanted to come over... called mom she wouldnt let me cause im "sick". got mad... threw my history book... it's not in such good shape now... then was like "i know what i should do... the anwser is smoking." but then i calmed enough to realize i have so much shit to do so thats not the best. now im doing history and trying to find people to stay with over the weekend. people suck so fucking much. i have too much to do and not enough time to do it in...god damn it i shouldn't have all this